"A well-known comedian once called the street I live on “a great place to get stabbed”. He called it out by name. Named the local liquor store. I don’t know about all of that. No one’s ever stabbed me. I always get 'em first. When it comes to stabbing, a good offense is the best defense."

"Every time I see a tourist lie down next to a Hollywood star for a selfie, I feel a little thrill knowing that someone likely peed on that star earlier. It’s not that I don’t like tourists. I do. I’m sure they’re very nice. But in my opinion, if there are people lying on the sidewalk, you should be allowed to step on them. Except for kids. It’s never OK to step on kids."